If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
