he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
