Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
