i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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