Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
