Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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