You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
