I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
