Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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