My underwear smells like fireworks.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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