my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
