the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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