Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's shark week go big or go home
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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