How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
