Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
