Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
