I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
