My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
