I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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