I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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