i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
