nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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