We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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