tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
