Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
