Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
