you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
