Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
