I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
