so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
