Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
