my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She bit a glass in half.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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