@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize