Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
