Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
