Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
