wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
