I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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