The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize