my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
