she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize