someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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