I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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