here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
