Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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