I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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