who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
