once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
