i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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