the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
