Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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