my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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