everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
