your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So. Much. Porn.
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