break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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