Cold hands, warm shart.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
