Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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