Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize