My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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