You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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